Author: nimdaa

Since childhood, I have been in a single-parent family.
My mother passed away due to illness when I was very young. The family in my memory was supported by my father’s hard work every day.

I didn’t become a bad boy just because I was alone at home all the time.

On the contrary, I often hear my neighbors say: “Ajun, you must study hard and be filial to your father from now on.” I have been among the best since elementary school.

In this way, all the way to my senior year of high school, I came out.

The target is my two-year junior classmate.

One evening in my senior year of high school, when I was walking to the cram school carrying a heavy schoolbag, I met him.
He was being beaten by a group of bad guys from a neighboring school. At that time, I seemed to think of my father who stood up for me when I was beaten by classmates in elementary school because of being a “sissy.”

I stepped in to save him.

By chance, our relationship got better and better, and later, I officially came out as gay.
Of course, my dad didn’t know.

We go to the nearby cafe to study together after school every day.
Walking and chatting together on the playground,
Let’s cheer each other on.

Just two weeks before the academic test, it rained that day.
I was holding his hand in the alley near the cram school, holding an umbrella together, enjoying our alone time.

Suddenly, a trumpet sounded from behind.
I suddenly turned around and saw my dad’s familiar shabby little yellow one.
He rolled down the window and was about to speak, but he broke free from my hand.
The junior didn’t care about his umbrella or me, and just ran away in the heavy rain.
I panicked.
Looking back, I only remember yelling at the rolled-down car window: “If he doesn’t come back, I won’t go home either!”
Then he chased after his junior fellow student without looking back.

Later, I found him in front of a convenience store two hundred meters away.
I told him that I could ignore my dad for his sake.
He agreed, but the premise he put forward, as he was familiar with my family situation, was that I could not fall out with my father.

That night, when I got home, I went straight to my room.
I vaguely heard my dad whisper: “I didn’t say anything at that time.”

I ignored him.

In my memory, from that day to the release of the academic test results, I did not speak to him more than ten sentences.

After the results were released, I was admitted to a university more than 200 kilometers away from home.
The university I made an appointment with my junior classmate.
Before leaving home, my dad told me something.
It’s just about being strong and independent outside and taking care of your health.
After saying that, he handed me an amulet and said he asked the gods for it.

I stuffed it into my bag randomly, said “I’m leaving” and never looked back.

I spent the first two years of college in the library and at my part-time job.
It wasn’t until my junior year that my junior student passed the exam.
We rented a small suite outside together.
We have classes during the day and work at night.

Very ordinary, but happy.

Five years ago, one evening during my senior year of college, I received a call from an unfamiliar number.
As soon as I picked up the phone, before I could say anything, a quick and nervous voice came from the other end of the phone.
“Arjuna, I am the neighbor’s aunt!”
Your dad suddenly suffered a myocardial infarction while we were having dinner and is now in emergency care. ｣

I put down my half-eaten lunch before I could send a message to my classmates who were still at school.
I rushed to the high-speed rail station and bought the nearest bus and headed straight down.
By the time we arrived at the hospital, my father had already left.

I can’t remember much of what happened next that day.

Later, I stayed there for more than a month.
I went to places where my dad and I were.

When I went to junior high school and was studying for the entrance examination, he would buy me a late-night snack from the salted crispy chicken stall after running in the car at night.
I went to kindergarten and he used to take me to the park where baseballs were thrown.
I went to the scenic spot he used to go to when he taught me how to ride a bicycle in elementary school.

In this way, living a corrupt life.

Until one day, my junior classmate couldn’t bear the loneliness and came down to pick me up.

Before leaving, we went to Dad’s grave.
He knelt on the ground and kept crying. He felt that he was the reason for our father and son to have such a knot in their hearts.

I didn’t even have time to untie it until my dad left.

I just waited quietly for him to finish crying.

Suddenly, I remembered the amulet my father gave me before I went to college.
I found it buried deep inside the bag.
The moment I took it out, something inside the amulet fell out.
A note.

I opened its crumpled folds,
Five words were scrawled inside in black pen.

“Dad supports you”

This time, it was my turn to burst into tears.

｢Promise you I will be stronger
Be a man with backbone and no longer shed tears easily

I just wish all this could happen before I say goodbye to you.”

We’ve had a great time these two years.
The junior changed his previous cowardly image, combed his hair and worked in a bar.

And I joined a foreign company with my good Chinese skills since I was a child.

we are doing well.

Next week, my junior classmate’s relatives and friends and I are going to have a dinner together.
It’s our wedding ceremony, I don’t know.

Anyway, Dad.

“I hope you will come.”

“I also hope you come back.”

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從小，我便身處單親家庭。
媽媽在我很小的時候就因病去世了，記憶裡的家庭，就是爸爸靠著每天辛勤跑車扛起來的。

我沒有因為常常一個人在家成為壞孩子。

相反地，常常聽鄰居說：｢阿俊，你要認真讀書，以後孝順你老爸｣的我，從國小開始就名列前茅。

就這樣，一路到了高三那年，我出櫃了。

對象是小我兩屆的學弟。

就在高三的一天傍晚，我背著沉重的書包要走去補習班的路上，我遇見了他。
他正被一群鄰校的不良份子圍毆，那時，我彷彿想起國小因為｢娘娘腔｣被同學圍毆的時候，為我挺身而出的爸爸。

我出手救下了他。

因緣際會下，我們的感情越來越好，後來，我正式出櫃了。
當然，我爸並不知情。

我們每天放學一起去鄰近的咖啡廳讀書，
一起在操場上散步聊天，
一起為彼此加油打氣。

就在鄰近學測的前兩週，那天下著雨。
我在補習班附近的小巷子裡，挽著他的手，共撐一把傘，享受著我們的獨處時光。

忽然，後面一陣喇叭聲響起。
我驀地回頭，是我爸那熟悉的破舊小黃。
他搖下車窗，正想開口，被我挽著的手掙脫了。
學弟不顧傘，不顧我，就這樣淋著磅礡大雨跑走了。
我當時慌了。
回想起來，我只記得我對著搖下的車窗大吼了一句：｢他不回來，我也不會回家了！｣
然後便頭也不回地追向學弟。

後來，在兩百公尺外的便利商店前，我找到了他。
我告訴他，為了他，我可以不顧我爸。
他答應了，但熟知我家裡狀況的他提出的前提是我不能跟我爸鬧翻。

當晚，我回到家，便直奔我的房間。
我依稀聽到我爸小聲說了一句：｢我那時什麼也沒說呀｣

我沒理睬他。

記憶中，從那天到學測放榜，我沒跟他講超過十句話。

放榜後的我，考上了離家兩百餘公里遠的大學。
跟學弟約定好的大學。
在離家前，我爸囑咐了我一些事。
無非就是在外要堅強獨立，保重身體之類的話。
說完，他遞給我一個護身符，說是他向神明求的。

我胡亂塞進包裡，丟下一句我走了，就沒再回頭。

上大學的前兩年我都在圖書館與打工的地方裡度過。
直到大三那年，學弟考進來了。
我們一起在外面租了一個小套房。
我們白天上課，晚上上班。

很平凡，卻又幸福。

五年前，也就是大四的某天傍晚，我接到了一個陌生的號碼撥來的電話。
一接起來，我還沒開口，電話那頭便傳來急促緊張的聲音。
｢阿俊阿，我是鄰居的那個阿姨啦！
你爸在跟我們吃飯的時候突然心肌梗塞，現在在急救了。｣

我放下吃到一半的便當，還來不及傳訊息給還在學校的學弟，
便衝去高鐵站買了最近的一班車直衝下去。
等我人到醫院的時候，爸爸已經走了。

那天的後續我已經記不清了。

後來，我在那裡一待就是一個多月。
我去遍有我跟我爸蹤跡的地方。

我去了國中要拼會考時他晚上跑完車都會買宵夜給我的鹽酥雞攤。
我去了幼稚園他常常帶我去丟棒球的公園。
我去了國小他教我騎腳踏車時都會去的風景區。

就這樣，過著糜爛的生活。

直到有一天，學弟耐不住寂寞下來接我回去。

臨走前，我們去了爸的墓前。
他跪在地上一直哭，他覺得是他讓我們父子有了這樣的一個心結。

甚至到我爸走了都還沒來得及解開。

我就這樣靜靜地等他哭完。

忽然，我想起了去大學前爸塞給我的護身符。
我從包裡找到了被壓在最深層的它。
在我拿出它的瞬間，有個夾在護身符裡的東西掉了出來。
一張紙條。

我打開了它皺皺的摺痕，
裡面用黑筆潦潦草草寫了五個字

｢爸爸支持你｣

這次，止不住眼淚的輪到我。

｢答應你我會更堅強
當個有骨氣的男人不再輕易流淚

只願這一切能發生再與你道別｣

這兩年的我們過得很好。
學弟一改以往懦弱的形象，梳起了油頭，在一間酒吧工作。

而我憑著從小就好的語文能力，進了一間外商公司。

我們很好。

下週，我跟學弟的親朋好友要聚餐了。
算是我們的結婚儀式了吧，我也不清楚。

總之，爸。

｢希望你會來。｣

｢也希望你回來。｣